of the coming cold

i have written a list

it sits in a water stained steno book on my kitchen table, usually propping up a bowl of apples or peppers, but probably a bowl of potatoes that have started to green. from my inability to fulfill my promise to cook more these days. to use these dramatically pricey items that haunt my fridge and counters. to make soups and stews. to bake breads and make butter to go with it.

haven’t we all decided that it is the time for this yet again?

after a summer of laying in the grass and eating sun warmed tomatoes. pretending we have nothing else to do as the rest of our lives lurk in the driveway, in the alarm clock and in our laundry rooms.

i’m sure everyone else uses the foods that they buy.

i am sure of it

and i berate myself when i don’t, and i never do. seriously never. it’s dreadful of me. it is. i know that you know that, lets all just spit it out and agree, i am kidding myself everytime a cucumber hits my shopping cart. i should just apologize to it then, “sorry buddy, this isnt gonna be pretty”, i usually just apologize as i remove the ragged corpse of that poor cucumber as i clean my fridge, frantically, on garbage day morning.

because, and this will not come as a shock to anyone, i am always suprised by garbage day.

every single time

why are we here?

not in the grand scheme of the universe, goodness, calm down, i haven’t taken enough meds for that, no, what are we talking about? yeah, i kinda forgot why i came back.

i am pretty sure we are gonna talk about food of some sort, as that is basically all i do. im a sous chef in a blossoming cafe, soon to be restaurant that seems to devour all of my time. i can things and bake things and mostly eat crackers and jam over my sink for a meal.

i am gonna ruin an illusion here, cooks for the most part, linecooks, chefs, sous, prep, most of us, eat awfully. we spend hours and hours of our days on our feet cooking and prepping and eating snacks over garbage cans (i mean, it just makes sense) or squatting on the line to jam bread dipped in bbq sauce as our first food of the day at 3 pm, and then we come home and we eat whatever we can scavange from the cupboards and fridge. just because we can make nearly everything from scratch, in a very quick fashion, with little to no direction, it doesn’t mean that we want to anymore.

crackers and jam are easy, they don’t go bad quickly, and if there happens to be cheese nearby then , that is 3 food groups, three! and that is more than enough for me to convince myself i am doing okay, which i’m clearly not, see above paragraphs and words and exhaustion.

according to this tiny friend, it is going to be a long winter

THE LIST

that was the beginning topic before i talked about my shameful vegetable slaughtering, it was all of the things i wanted to do before the cold sets in, as i say this i have put on yet another sweater, and my fingers are so very cold that i want to just hold a cup of tea for finger warmth, but the kitchen is a good 10 feet away, and that is just seems like a lot.

we were gonna talk about my to do list. it is this never ending, far too much for one human to do, list of things i will feel badly about when i don’t get them done. it used to all live inside a planner, and then covid reminded me i have absolutely nothing to be plopping in a planner, so the steno began its scribbled life.

this book is filled with fall to do, hell summer —- okay- fine, fine fiiiiiiiiine, fine— spring to do lists i still avoid, as if we will bump into each other and i will have to explain my actions.

the items just seem to get shuffled along to the next week or season and most of them will wait there until i have overcome my adhd. i am not holding my breath on that one, i think my adhd won and i will just let it have its day in the sun.

i bring this up, because this is now the to do list.

i just decided.

i may not bring laundry folding here, maybe just the bigger, prettier things,

but who knows?

sometimes you need an easy win, although i will never ever figure laundry out and i am currently sitting next to a basket of kids laundry, albeit clean laundry, that is actually bigger than my 10 year old, and that is not great. so maybe it will make an appearance, just to get it done.

whelp, lets find out, of not, i will see you again in 2-4 months, when i remember where my laptop is and start this all over again.